Thursday

The morning came and I said good morning as usual and started making breakfast and had a long conversation with slave Tracy. I told her about my feelings for Mr. J  and all of my fears, I wanted to cry but I held it in. I was surprised when I received a text saying that he was outside.
I opened the garage door and there he was in all his glory on his Harley Davison looking like a straight up bad ass, he was coming from school but wanted to talk to me before I left town… we talked about random things for a little while and then he rolled up to the deeper subjects.
He said he wants to be part of my life and walk hand in hand with me if I decide to open up to him and that he will go down to the pits of hell to pull me out if he had too. But he’s not going to force me.

I appreciated the fact that he took time out of his busy schedule to come talk to me, I really felt better.

I also asked him about a particular dominant I reconnected with at a munch the night before and he warned me not to play with him. I really felt like a crack addict trying to get my next fix. I needed more and he knew I needed more but told me it was in my best interests to stay away from this dominant. I’m starting to think no one is good enough…

I hugged him for a long time, before he finally left, I didn’t want to let go. but I order my legs to move and force myself to not look back.

However Before I left town I wanted to take the first steps in the” fixing me” direction and so I asked T for a hypnosis session

I did hypnosis and saw terrible things, things I didn’t want to see, but needed to, to recover from whatever it was I have deep inside poisoning my spirit and preventing me from having a normal life. I felt terror like I’ve never experienced before, I felt my body shaking uncontrollably. I was made to remember, and at first things seem hazy but I remember more clearer no, I hope that it works for the better.

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