so… :(

Where do I start… its been a rough could of days and I think I’ve reached my limit.

I was telling him about a situation I was going through with the sub I occasionally play with and the fact that he has proclaimed that he loves me and I cant reciprocate his feelings so I asked him how he would deal with that situation being that he has way more experience. and while I was at it I told him of a particular moment. I wont say what it was but he got livid.

my phone died and I was at the gym so I decided I would call him when I got home.

he tried to call me but couldn’t get through to me. when my phone turned on and I read all the messages my heart sank.

“my phone died

I was at the gym

sigh

I don’t even know what to say to your messages

I wasn’t arguing about your decision, I didn’t say I wasn’t going to do what you requested”

but it bugs you

what bugs me is the thought of you letting me go, that’s why I said Jesus Christ

I thought I was doing pretty good with the following stuff and with the training but after reading what you said… now I have doubts, I guess I’m not good at this. I don’t know.

If you think I’m not good and I’m putting you at risk then do whatever you have to do, I will understand. but make it very clear that you’re releasing me.”

I sat in my room for a while holding my phone, looking at the wall. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t let myself break down like that.

he didn’t say he did or that he would release me.

but I don’t know if I will be able to get over all the mean things he said. at this point I think the easiest thing would be to just let it go. but damn it! it hurts a lot.

I’m supposed to say my usual good night but I cant get myself to do it. pollito went to hide somewhere, she doesn’t even want to deal with it.  😦

yelling

yesterday he called me up and the first thing out of his mouth was “why are you arguing with me about this?” a number of answers popped in my head but he didn’t wait for me to answer. he was yelling.

“you told me you were going to this event, I said OK and the rule is you don’t bottom for anyone. you asked if you could bottom in needle play, and I said OK BUT flogging and T and wanting to be flogged by him and other dominants? “that’s a no no”  I was pushing my luck and I knew that when I asked him.

in my mind I didn’t understood why it was a big deal, after all is his friend and my friend too “ because I know him and he would try to push your limits, to push his agenda on you”

but I’ve played with him before and he has never crossed the line”

were you getting trained by me at that time?

NO

OK, you’re my responsibility, you better not have any sexual contact with him…

but Im not even attracted to him in any way

I don’t give a shit what you are… trust me when I say, keep away from him.

What are you doing when a dominant asks you for play?

I will say no thank you… and probably laugh.

see your inviting them in

they’re going to want to be with you and make you their baby girl or sub or slave and…

“mister, mister, mister..” I gently said while trying to cut through the rambling. No ones going to make me anything, why do assumed that I will just go with anyone that asks, Im not looking to be anyone’s baby girl or slave or sub at the moment.

He breathed…  and then calmly said

you know I worried about you and your safety, if you play with a dominant they might take you where you don’t want to go, because they might interpret your laughing as being disrespectful or even liking it, when in reality is worried and anxiety and nervousness.

I understand that.

Well if you understand why do you keep asking…

he is over protective, he treats me like I’m a gullible child who will run off with the first stranger who offers me candy… thinking about it… didn’t he say he would be around until I found a dominant with whom I could form a stable dynamic. so how will I find someone if he’s ordering me to keep them away?

later on that night we had an amazing conversation. I even asked him some questions that I wanted to know  but most importantly I asked him one in particular that will sort of give me some idea where his head was.

I asked him if he would continue training me if I found a boyfriend

“what would you tell him about us” 

I came to the conclusion that this hypothetical person would have to know, I wouldn’t lie about it.

so you don’t mind if I found someone as long as he is aware and ok with us right?

then what the hell do you need me for?

you’re my dominant, he would be there for other things like going to the movies, hand holding, kissing, I don’t know, whatever the hell normal couples do now a days

so he gets all the rewards while I get all the battles

I didn’t know you wanted the extras or if that was even a possibility

and i changed the subject

Gossip

do you believe this person?

I didn’t say I did. I’m just asking you, what you did at the party?

sigh

yes I was there

and you know what else? I got spanked and flogged and even got fucked in the middle of the party and I loved every minute.

your trying to get smart, why are you so defensive?

NAH. BUT Why don’t you asked the person who told you I was at the party if they enjoyed the show?

He didn’t want to tell me who went to him with gossip about seeing me at the party, and that really aggravated me because I don’t think is right to lie about me.

“Your about two seconds from pissing me off”

I thought “how do you think I feel?” but I didn’t say it. Instead I responded “i don’t know what to say”

I believe mi pollito

but your being so defensive it makes me wonder?

I was so upset I didn’t know what do but project.

“her reaction is the culmination of a very long emotionally draining day….

pollito has been very good, following everything misters wants even when the woman disagrees. Shes upset and a little hurt of just the thought of mister entertaining BS”

I’m not entertaining it.

Now go to bed and dream of all the beatings I will be giving you. Good night pollito

party nowhere

Here I am so in my head thinking that he wouldn’t notice if I didn’t say hello as usual and he send me a message asking  me “why he didn’t get a good morning”  I told him what was on my mind and he replied

“you’re  not going to T’s party”

I had RSVP to a private party our mutual friend was hosting at the end of the month and I was happy because I would get to see friends and my lifestyle sister and brother. I didn’t tell him that I would be going so I was a little surprise when he mentioned it.

He  simply said “Cancel”

I was a bit upset but kept my composure, I didn’t see the gravity of the situation that would deserve canceling my plans so I try to argue about it.
I asked him if he was going to the party thinking that if he didn’t go and I told the host not to say anything about my presence I could go unnoticed and he will never know I was there.

“I won’t be going because my grandmother died and I will be in Colorado that weekend.”

Now I really felt like an asshole…

“I’m so sorry mister”

I really don’t know what else to say, in circumstances like this it gets a little awkward for me. I really wanted to change the conversation, I felt a little guilty for jumping to conclusions and assuming that he just didn’t care.

But I mean it also makes me think about the distance issue, I feel like I’m the last one that gets to know things. Unless I ask or he tells me, I don’t know what’s going on with him.

He knew where my thought process was heading and he just replied  “Try me”
Well then there that goes.
“I’m just thinking out loud” I replied but Some moments later I asked again.

This time trying something else.

“Pollito wants to know… (he always calls me my little pollito) if going to the party would be worth getting more punishment.”

“Find out”  two simple words

I don’t think either of us wants to find out, of course pollito and I know where it says peligro (danger). But I will admit that I kinda wanna tug on that yellow tape to see how far it stretches (whispers) and maybe put my leg over the boundary. between you and I hypothetically speaking, If I move my feet up close and half my toes are sticking out on the other side does that mean I cross the line?..What if I maybe take a quick look, would it be so bad? I mean it really doesn’t feel so scary from this side of the line.

Of course it would suck not to be able to carry out my plans but I don’t think I have a choice. I mean hahaha that’s silly we all have choices but it was evident… I could obey or disobey. And at the end of the day I don’t want to disappoint

Again mister sorry for your lost, I’m here if you need me.
And I said my good nights

arroz con mango

Is funny how we let past life events define us and prevent us from experiencing what may be a positive experiences and label it as a simple “self preservation mechanism” Sometimes avoidance is not the answer, and facing your demons is the key to getting better. At the end of the day shit catches up to you…

it could be difficult. how do you know something is wrong when you yourself cant seem to see whats going on? When people who care about are constantly bringing “that thing” to your attention, that might be the time to give it some thought.

Mister?

yes Pollito

“I’m fine mister, I’m fine” I exclaimed, as if the fact that I kept repeating that I was fine would somehow automatically make me start believing it.

I continued- “I know it took me a couple of more days than I said I would to think over things but… I’m here now”

its been a rough couple of days, my head full of jumble up emotions clouding my judgment, I wanted to speak to him badly but it became a battle against that little voice inside of me that yearn to reach out and ask for help, because it wasn’t help that I saw it was pure NEED.  I will not beg, I will not beg, I will not beg

what are your thoughts?

I’m more interested in hearing yours

I cant tell you without knowing yours, since you are the one who needed the space.

I know running is not the answer and time off is not the answer, I had this routine every day and not being able to continue is fucking with my existence.

yup

“mister?”  my heart was in knots I was afraid he wouldn’t take me back.  “Do you still have room for a Pollito in your life?”

Is the pollito going to give herself fully?

shit! this was a hard question.

“Pollito says she has always been yours, on the other hand the woman is skeptical”

he started laughing “hows is your ass healing up?”

“everything’s back to normal”

“do you need me to fuck it up again?”

do not beg, do not beg, do not beg “yes if you could fuck it up all the time that would be great”

“I love the way you presented yourself to me”

and then we spoke for a while about my feelings in regards to being open and vulnerable. but it didn’t stop there a couple of nights after that I was expressing the same sentiment, but this time I was a bit more forward.

mister can I see you next month…

yes

“thank you mister I’m grateful, I really need a beating, can you tell me what days”

“I have your next goal”

I listen to the instructions, I was a bit nervous but about what the next assignment could be, and to be honest when he told me, I felt a little humiliated and embarrassed I didn’t want to do it, and the fact that I needed to make my weekly goals or at the end I wouldn’t see him, pissed me off. I was even contemplating finding some quick play with a dominant down here just to get some release, but NO when I asked him he said it was out of the question, and that really irritated me. I gave him attitude. he said I was making him upset because I wasn’t listening. he made me repeat all of the details of the task and asked me if I had any more questions.

so what happens if I miss a week goal.

“NO PLEASE BY ALL MEANS MISS YOUR MARK”

I don’t know about you but I’m not going to poke a bear.

however I did say “what’s the worse that could happen I mean you live 4hrs away”

he didn’t respond to any of my messages for the next couple of days after. I kept going with my routine as usual.

I didn’t mean to piss him off, but please understand my frustration, is easy for him to get whatever he needs from other people being that he is poly and is dealing with multiple girls and I’m not opposed to that, I think is great. but I don’t have anyone here to take care of my need.

2 days ago, I met with a sub and I had so much energy I was afraid I would hurt him. I felt good getting a massage since I’ve been sore from doing weights at the gym, I was doing some facesitting, and it was so good.

this morning

I couldn’t get up, I’ve been crying all day

didn’t he say he would take me out of hell if he had too.. well HELLO!! I’m here, come get me…

OH!! that’s right he probably thinks I’m fine. Why? Cause That’s what I posted for everyone to see, that I was FINE. Sigh** Im Angry

The story in between

After coming back from the session with Mr.J I felt super guilty, I didn’t know it would turn out into a session, I though we would just see each other for a few hours and that is it. I was staying with our mutual friend and I knew there was something off between then because I felt the tension in the air when I mentioned him to T so I knew that if I played with T it would make things worse between them seeing that I had physical evidence of our encounter earlier that morning.

He had a few meeting to go too so of course when I called him he wasn’t responding. I ended up leaving a message for him that said that I don’t think that I’m capable of submitting to him and that it would be best for me to get a hotel for the night. He called me on his way back home and told me to stop being silly and that I have to stay even if  we didn’t play at all.

Once he came home we went to speak in private… I told him how I was feeling, Saying that I just didn’t want to submit because I didn’t believe I was a submissive… I didn’t lie, I told him the truth, this goes through my mind all the time. since earlier that evening before getting there I had told him I was getting cold feet…he was very understanding and I love that about him, I felt safe and We ended up cuddling in bed and spoke for a while about hypnosis, he felt asleep and everything, I thought it was kinda cute… He also asked if I wanted to go to a munch latter on that night and I was happy about that because I had a wonderful time at the munch, we had dinner with a bunch of people and he gave an introduction about hypnosis, it was awesome a lot of interesting questions and he was so graceful.

Later on that night my lifestyle sister slept over and in the morning she had to get to work early, but  it was ok because we met up later for lunch.

Before leaving Ts house Mr.J came by, I was happy to see him and I really wanted to spend more time with him because I think it was what I needed. We didn’t have to say anything I just wanted to be close. I’m not  the mushy type I’m not every affectionate and having that physical urge to be close with someone is freighting,  I kept it under control and manage to say good bye I knew he was busy running around, it would be selfish of me to ask for more.

after the hypnosis session I left and had lunch with my sister at one of our favorite restaurants. and got on my way. I was supposed to meet up with my lifestyle brother but it didn’t happen and he was super upset about it, specially cause I haven’t seen him in a long time.  he’s good now, but he is still a little upset

if i had a boat

Down low, down amongst the thorn rows
Weeds grow, through the lilies and the vine
Birds play, try to find their own way
Soft clay, on your feet and under mine

If I had a boat, I would sail to you
Hold you in my arms, ask you to be true
Once I had a dream, it died long before
Now I’m pointed north, hoping for the shore

Splitting at the sea
Heaving at the breeze
Sheets all billowing
Breaking of the day
Sea is not my friend
And everyone conspires
Still I choose to swim
Slip beneath the tide

Once I had a dream
Once I had a hope
That was yesterday
Not so long ago
This is not the end
This is just the world
Such a foolish thing
Such an honest girl

If I had a boat, I would sail to you
Hold you in my arms, ask you to be true
Once I had a dream, it died long before
Now I’m pointed north, hoping for the shore

wicked games

Wicked games

The world was on fire, no one could save me but you
It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do
I’d never dreamed that I’d meet… somebody like you
And I’d never dreamed that I’d lose somebody like you
What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you