Is funny how we let past life events define us and prevent us from experiencing what may be a positive experiences and label it as a simple “self preservation mechanism” Sometimes avoidance is not the answer, and facing your demons is the key to getting better. At the end of the day shit catches up to you…
it could be difficult. how do you know something is wrong when you yourself cant seem to see whats going on? When people who care about are constantly bringing “that thing” to your attention, that might be the time to give it some thought.
“I’m fine mister, I’m fine” I exclaimed, as if the fact that I kept repeating that I was fine would somehow automatically make me start believing it.
I continued- “I know it took me a couple of more days than I said I would to think over things but… I’m here now”
its been a rough couple of days, my head full of jumble up emotions clouding my judgment, I wanted to speak to him badly but it became a battle against that little voice inside of me that yearn to reach out and ask for help, because it wasn’t help that I saw it was pure NEED. I will not beg, I will not beg, I will not beg
what are your thoughts?
I’m more interested in hearing yours
I cant tell you without knowing yours, since you are the one who needed the space.
I know running is not the answer and time off is not the answer, I had this routine every day and not being able to continue is fucking with my existence.
“mister?” my heart was in knots I was afraid he wouldn’t take me back. “Do you still have room for a Pollito in your life?”
Is the pollito going to give herself fully?
shit! this was a hard question.
“Pollito says she has always been yours, on the other hand the woman is skeptical”
he started laughing “hows is your ass healing up?”
“everything’s back to normal”
“do you need me to fuck it up again?”
do not beg, do not beg, do not beg “yes if you could fuck it up all the time that would be great”
“I love the way you presented yourself to me”
and then we spoke for a while about my feelings in regards to being open and vulnerable. but it didn’t stop there a couple of nights after that I was expressing the same sentiment, but this time I was a bit more forward.
mister can I see you next month…
“thank you mister I’m grateful, I really need a beating, can you tell me what days”
“I have your next goal”
I listen to the instructions, I was a bit nervous but about what the next assignment could be, and to be honest when he told me, I felt a little humiliated and embarrassed I didn’t want to do it, and the fact that I needed to make my weekly goals or at the end I wouldn’t see him, pissed me off. I was even contemplating finding some quick play with a dominant down here just to get some release, but NO when I asked him he said it was out of the question, and that really irritated me. I gave him attitude. he said I was making him upset because I wasn’t listening. he made me repeat all of the details of the task and asked me if I had any more questions.
so what happens if I miss a week goal.
“NO PLEASE BY ALL MEANS MISS YOUR MARK”
I don’t know about you but I’m not going to poke a bear.
however I did say “what’s the worse that could happen I mean you live 4hrs away”
he didn’t respond to any of my messages for the next couple of days after. I kept going with my routine as usual.
I didn’t mean to piss him off, but please understand my frustration, is easy for him to get whatever he needs from other people being that he is poly and is dealing with multiple girls and I’m not opposed to that, I think is great. but I don’t have anyone here to take care of my need.
2 days ago, I met with a sub and I had so much energy I was afraid I would hurt him. I felt good getting a massage since I’ve been sore from doing weights at the gym, I was doing some facesitting, and it was so good.